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It's Schmee's Journal
16 most recent entries

Date:2006-09-01 19:34
Mood: crushed

i miss you.

i really miss you.

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Date:2006-08-19 10:31
Mood: lonely

so it's the same ole story: OBSESSION!

she's back. and i have a funny feeling that something posted on post secret is from her. probably isn't, and it's just my own little fantasy, but it sure is interesting.

1) with a hair cut i had once, she mentioned it was like james dean's. i thought it was like elvis, but she said it was james dean's.
2) a little heart drawn at the bottom, looked kinda like her writing, but the rest not so much.
3) we've joked about how i need a mallot smacked over my head realize that someone might be interested in me.

soooo: it's a picture of james dean, with a number on the car of "75". if i'm not mistaken, she was born in 75. it says, "stop being a coward. take the risk. i'm worth it"

i know it's all coincidental, but it does make me wonder. and she knows i love to go on that site.

the latest? um: "spank me", "i wish you would [man handle] me, i would like it". when i mentioned being tired and just going home to grab my teddy bear and take a nap, she hollared out, "i'm right here."

is that a mallot? i'm sure there's more, but that's all that sticks to my head right now. except a couple intuitive feelings.

there was this other woman at work, (who no longer works there), that had admitted to me once, how she wanted to kiss me. several of us had gone out dinner and drinks. since i was the only one not drinking, i offered to drive her home. while in the car, we were laughing up a storm. it was great fun. and BAM, like a ton of bricks, she set low in the passenger seat, and she looks up at me with these eyes. instantly i got this feeling, that if i reached over and kissed her, she would have been receptive. of course, i shook it off, started up the car, and in a matter of minutes she was home.

several weeks later she admitted to me that she wondered at that time, what it would be like to kiss me. so my intution was RIGHT ON.

earlier last week, my current obsession and i were talking. she didn't back off, cuz we were talking pretty tight. it was a small space, and at first there was no room to back up. but another person exited, which created more space but she didn't move. i got that same feeling.

it happened again yesterday, only it was a slightly different feeling. she blocks a door way, spreads out her arms and her legs, and doesnt' let me through. i was walking briskly toward her, and i realized that the most natural thing to do, was to run my hands along her out stretched arms, and slide them down her side and stop at her waist. then grab her at the waist, pull her close to me and then away from the door. it was a mental and visual thing that flashed through my head within seconds. the image and compulsion was so strong, i literally had to stop in my tracks, stop looking at her in the eyes, and walk backwards toward a wall and stay there till she moved.

if she's just teasing, then that's some pretty powerful teasing for someone that doesn't mean business. it's so hard, when there are things missing in your current life, and there is someone spending so much energy on you. it's all so intoxicating. i sometimes leave work drunk on the euphoric feelings pent up through out the day.

sexual dreams are very rare for me. perhaps a more acurate statement would be romantically-intimate dreams are rare, and sexual acts are even rarer. i dreamt of her a couple of days ago. i dreamt of leaning against a wall, and she stood next to me, slightly over lapping my body. i was facing one way, she the opposite, and our shoulders were touching. i reached over to her waist and pulled her over to me so that we were face to face. i pulled her in, so that our bodies touched and were in full contact. i stroked the length of her torso, pulled her in closer to smell her hair and neck. then i woke up. i'm sure this dream was partly the reason why that image of her in the door way was so vivid a couple of days later, but she's driving me mad.

i want to gaze at her, watch her full lips move while she smiles and talks to me. i want to become fully lost in her laughter and bright smile. i want to feel her soft hands in mine, with the intention to explore every finger tip, every soft curve of her fingers, and the silky thickness of her palms. i want to bring my face close to her and experience small folds of flesh between my teeth, while i gently nibble on her shoulder, or her neck, or her forearms, or her hands.

it will never happen, or probably never happen. i can't foretell the future and where my home life will be. but as i get older, i'm feeling more and more desparate. days like i've been having since she and i have gotten closer, are numbered. one day i really am going to be the little old dyke that works up on the 2nd floor, and no one will desire me.

i know while i've been in my current relationship, it was been the worst i've ever had, physically. i used to be thought of as a good lover. all my lovers in the past have mentioned my hands, and how good i am with them. they showed me how much they desired me, and we had a healthy sex life. in the 10+ years in this relationship, the physical side has been wanting and lacking, and i don't feel like i've got that touch.

perhaps this is partly why i'm nearing a panic. i'll have to be careful, and watch out for myself. and then, there's no denying the chemistry. i've never noticed that before. it almost makes me sad. we'll never know. we'll want, but we'll never know.

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Date:2006-02-04 12:05
Subject:Mr and Mrs Loving
Mood: thoughtful

a constant thought has been going through my head the last couple of days.

ever feel you want to be so connected to someone, that you want to have a piece of a person. kind of like the exchange of bodily fluids. i know it sounds kind of yucky, but honestly, it's how i see it. two people kiss, and that kiss becomes passionate. once that threshold is crossed, you're swapping spit. but it's more than that. ever kiss someone, passionately, but you can't taste her enough? you want to taste her saliva. you want to feel that thick wetness on her tongue. it's of a different temperature. it's a different taste, than your own mouth. and when you become aware of that, the kisses change. you're starting to make love. you can smell her core. that deep breath she let's out. it's a clean smell. a fresh smell. i don't know how to explain it. but it's something that i love about being close to someone.

so i think about that. it's just not being able to touch her hand. it's not just about being able to kiss her lips. it's about exchanging something you don't exchange with just anyone. you're not grossed out by her body fluids.

and when you yearn, you yearn for more. you want someone to drink from your glass? why? cuz maybe you'll get a little of her saliva on your cup's edge, and you can take it in. you'll have a part of her. and it can be more than just about saliva. it can be the fact that she's not grossed out, nor are you, when she uses your nail clippers, or your nail file, or your tooth brush. it's an intimacy of sorts. kinda like when you're putting on a necklace for her. or a bracelet for her. those are pieces of jewelery that are placed strategically on sensitive parts of your body. who made the 1st piece anyway? what was their intention? was it to adorn the body? or was there a deeper intent?

you hook up a necklace. you can't help but brush your fingers across her neck. a very sensitive area. and since jewelery is so delicate, you are touching everything delicately. you tickle her, you lightly brush your fingertips against her. your fingertips. think of that. the part of the body with the most nerve endings. it can be breathtaking. the same with a bracelet. that's why you have them turn their palm upward, while you put it on. the inside of the wrist is another sensitive area that you can stroke lightly, while you try to hook it together.

...just a thought, for today.

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Date:2006-02-01 13:41
Mood: nauseated

obsession time!

so she's home, right? taking care of her babies in her tummy. she sends out thank you cards to those who attended her shower. how lovely.

all i need to do, is go around and see how she's signed off everyone's cards. am i special? does mine stand out cuz she wrote, "always" on it?


speaking of sick: i just finished a bag of hershey's kissables! BOI...are those sweet. they're the mini kisses in a candy coated shell! wow...just like m&m's, right? nope. they're horror'ly sweet, and i'm gonna go and barf now. blech.

oh well...i guess i'll close. i've got to write to one, sneak to others, just to see how she signed those cards!!!!!

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Date:2006-01-21 16:38
Mood: amused

now the real reason why i logged on earlier this morning.

some time ago, i'm sitting at work. there's only me and chippy #2 in the office. we're facing each other, because the computers in that room are back to back. we're working in a little office, where there's only three of us, for 1/2 a day. and we're setting the office up. we're logging onto our computers, arranging the desks for optimum performance, and i look up and over the monitor.

she's staring at me. it's one of those, "i feel like i'm being stared at" moments, and when i look up, it's true. i'm so friggen shy, that when women look at me or smile at me, or stare at me, i escape into my shell, and i do nothing. so i did nothing. i looked up, looked into her eyes, and she didn't cut her gaze. it sent a electrical impulse throughout my body and i blushed, shot a quick smile, and hid behind the monitor.

it made me think. so during the morning we kinda conversed. i mean, it's not like we're strangers. we're co-workers. but i'm not used to having some "straight" chick stare at me. the last time that happened with a straight chick, i got salt licked off my shoulder when she did a shot. it probably could have gone even further, but it wasn't right, nor the right time.

that day i realized how comfortable i was with her, and obviously how comfortable she was with me. since that time our "relationship" has grown. we're fairly good friends, with conversations that have literally left me in lust, hot and blushed. her husband, she says, wouldn't mind if she had an affair with a woman. he doesn't consider it cheating, and it would be alright with him.

she flirts endlessly with me, and i love every minute. of course, she flirts endlessly with every man too. i couldn't say if that's true with other women in the office. i'm the only dyke. and well, straight girls don't just blurt out, "so-n-so is so flirty with me."

i have a theory: when a woman talks about me and says in the sentence, "she's sooooo cute!", she's interested and i have a good shot at her. in fact, every woman who has ever said that, i've ended up with. but now this chippy 2 has blown it to hell. she announces over and over how cute i am. she even irriated someone once, and they're response to her was, "yeah, yeah. she's cute. she's cute." now a couple girls in the office say i'm cute, and now my theory isn't so accurate. that's what old age does, ruins your gaydar and your humpdar. anyway, chippy #2 avoids me, and calls me hither.

she is out on maternity leave. we had a baby shower for her this week. she showed up looking radiant. she was absolutely beautiful. her first words to me were, "how are you!? i've missed you so much!" the whole evening, she'd look at me from time to time, (lots of people to give attention to). each time there was some kind of energy in our eye contact, and they lasted long periods. at first, i would turn away, because me and intensity don't do well. but after the second time or so, i kept the gaze. it makes me sigh, just thinking about it.

i don't know what to think about this woman. i almost adore her. i love her attention. she's absolutely beautiful, even when she's pregnant. and she gives me such wonderful head rushes. at one point we were sitting next to each other, and i thought another person was coming to join our group, so i scooted away from her to make room for one more chair. the other person went to sit somewhere else, and we kinda stayed separated like that for a little while. she turned to me and said, "you've pulled away from me." in a whiny voice. then we pushed our chairs closer together.

then again, another person came, and did sit between us. and when we parted, i could feel it. i felt the absence of her energy.

so all those times, when she talks to me about orgasms, and about tensing muscles, where i have to tell her to excuse me, and she giggles as i walk away trembling; or when we happen touch hands and i'm aware of the feel of her skin against mine...i wonder: is it just me? to feel that electrical charge run through your body when someone says something or looks at you, is that something you feel all alone? or is she my positive to my negative?

everything tells me she's totally into me. everything tells me she's yearning for contact with me, as much as i am with her. and quietly we wonder. quietly we dream. quietly we fantasize, because nothing will ever come of it.

after a day like this, i go home high. i unlock my front door and inside i hear a little voice shouting out to me, "hi honeyyyyyyy!!!!" and i say, "hi babieeeeeeeee!" i close the door, sit next to her, hold her hand, look into her eyes and see how beautiful they are and think to myself that i'm lucky to have someone love me so much. and for the next couple of days, i'll feel good about feeling cute, and feel good about being home.

my life: kinda bitter sweet. i hate responsibilities. i hate commitment...and yet i love it all too. i wanna be rotten and do what i want. i want to be a dick and take what i want. i want my cake and eat it too. i want everything my way.

oh the delimma of being an only child, and being so spoiled. it really affects adult life!! yet i'm so blessed. i have a good woman in my life. we're good together. we laugh all the time. and it's good she brings me back to reality.

speaking of reality...does this hardware on my face and ears look good? or am i a krusty old dyke with plugs and a le bret that stretches out my paperthin skin? haha...life is good. (and i want more!)


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Date:2006-01-21 08:26
Mood: rushed

journaling...i used to do it all the time, but now i'm finding it difficult to put the words together. generally it is women who inspire me to write. whether it's a break up, a new love/crush, or a fight.

unfortunately journaling takes privacy, and i haven't much of that. either my cat is demanding lap time, and clawing at me, because i'm touching some square thing and covering up my lap with my arms, or my lover is out and about and over my shoulder.

she's sleeping right now, but my cat has resorted to putting his face in my face, his claws dug into my arm, and giving me an audible complaint. "mrrooooooooooooow", kinda in a crescendo way and with a little gutteral growl thrown in. he's very musical, my baby boy. but what can i do. i can't hate him. i can't throw him. i can't yell at him. i can't punch him, so i just luv him. he's also an avid "sun" worshiper. i just put on the electric heater, and he's now praying to it.

i worry about him, i'm afraid one day he's gonna walk around with "baked" eyes.

speaking of baked: he's got cancer you know. he's on a tri-monthly regimen of chemotherapy. a daily regimen of anti-nausea, appetite stimulant, steroid, and some generic pink pill that coats the tummy. geesh, what is that called? i can't remember now. anyway, he takes that "cocktail" twice a day. and additionally, every morning he takes some antibiotic.

he's got a doctor's appointment in a month or two. i think i'm going to ask the doctor if i can get my cat stoned, and get rid of the appetite stimulant and the anti-nausea. my lover laughs at me, but i'm serious. maybe i can create some kinda kitty, pot-induced-brownie with liver er sumpthin. i'm thinking it's a way to cut down on all the poisons we're giving him. it's all bitter sweet. he's happy. he's eating. he's running around. when before the poisons, he was losing weight and couldn't keep anything down. the vomiting was almost constant.

it's just that he's taking all these pills, and they all have side effects. and i'm beginning to realize that as he comes closer to the end of his life, we'll start having more complications. more than likely a result of all the medication he's on. that's going to be heart wrenching for me.

anyway...i guess this is a good start to my journaling. it's just sooooo long. how boring. but i'll have to remember that it's for me, no matter how lame it is.

privacy over...time to quit.

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Date:2005-11-30 10:11
Subject:fricken holidays
Mood: aggravated

i hates it when your partner has to say, "we can't skip christmas with my parents. it's EXPECTED."

i say, F*CK that SH*T!! it's expected. every fricken year we're there for thanksgiving AND christmas. on the days that i've decided i wanted to have a holiday for MY family at MY house, she can't even stay the entire time. she has to split her time, and try to eat at each place. WTF!?

now i want to go on a nice little trip to brodie, ca this christmas. it'd be nice to get up early christmas morning, and drive out there. get a nice hotel room, and explore the area for the next two days, and drive back on monday afternoon/evening.

but Nooooooo...we can't do that, cuz it's EXPECTED. ARG! so instead, she wants me to DRIVE all night, right after christmas dinner. be exhausted, (cuz she NEVER drives, "i can't drive at night....blah blah blah." THEN play around Brodie all day monday and drive home monday night. NO WAY, i said. we're gonna be cooking for christmas, to "put our effort in", cleaning kitchen on sunday, when all the dudes get to go and watch TV. THEN drive out, THEN hike about, THEN drive back? NO!

well...how about leaving MONDAY, and driving back TUESDAY evening, so that when Wednesday comes, my 1st back at work, i can be sufficiently EXHAUSTED?! NO WAY!

why, why, why can't we just tell her friggin parents, "hey guys, this year we're gonna do our own thing. and we'll see you later!"

but NNNNNNOOOOOOOoooooo..it's expected!

i'm glad i'm of an "orphan" status...all this expectations...suck.

waaa waaaa waaaaa...somebody get the waaaaa-bulance!

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Date:2005-11-17 12:40
Mood: chipper

i sure am glad this thing doesn't show my age. have i ever told you i'm only 13??

no one wants to hear about the lovely little bartender i've taken a liking to. how come? cuz i'm childish...and my journals are all about lust and crushes. oh well. it's mine, and i can do want i want, cuz i can.

a little group of us went out on friday, to a local bar. i had to cruise over to one of the tenders and make an order, and out of the blue, shot this bartender.

reminising: i 1st sawr her on pride this last summer. i had to wait an wait an wait. my luvah even stood next to me & shot her some dirty looks. so i sent my luvah away. i figgerd i could just stand there and entertain myself until the tender could help me. i mean, it was crazy busy.

i just watched her intensely. she was fast, and she made the drinks without hesitation. i was all impressed with that. at one point, she happened to look up at me and we had eye contact. she was really cute, and i just smiled and raised my eyebrows at her, hoping to get across that i knew how busy it was and she was doing good. shortly after that, she helped me, and she smiled at me very sweetly. this was special to me, cuz the entire time i watched, she smiled at no one, really. i felt kinda special.

since then, she was very attentive. i never had to wait long for a drink. and she remembered what i ordered. sure...those are signs of a good bartender. but i like to think she thinks i'm cute.

at any rate, this chick shoots out of the dark this past friday, and asks for my order. her side was busy, and she left her station, into the other girl's station to help me. of course, once i knew where she was, i went to her station the rest of the evening.

i guess all this jabber is just to say..she's really cute. and she remembered what i ordered each time i went to the bar. i dunno...but whether or not i remind her of her mother, or her big sister, or her favorite aunt...i like to think she thinks i'm cute.

i can't wait to go out again. maybe in another 6 months.

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Date:2005-11-04 15:35
Mood: thoughtful

ever want to create a memory. you hear a song, worthy of an intense memory. so you look for the sexiest girl in the room, and you want to just stare. stare and create a memory. so that everytime you hear that song, you can sense that person. even smell her. hear her voice. see her eyes...

i'm sick.

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Date:2003-06-04 21:08

how pathetic is this? i find myself wanting to go out. out to the coffee shop, out to the bars, out to where there's a woman...any woman. any woman i can be attracted to. i need attention. i need to feel that passion, that unbridled desire. it's been so long. so i sit and i dream. i stare off, and remember what it was like to be all hot and sweaty, laying next to your lover, feeling close, inseparable, and immortal. relishing in the feelings evoked by good loving, and intimate relations.

oh well...

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Date:2003-05-15 19:14
Subject:Home Selling
Mood: crushed

So I have this little old great-aunt. She totally screwed my life up. She sold a house that was supposed to passed down to me. Now she's in a bind. She's got money that isn't going to last but another two or three years. She's never worked a day in her life, and was never married long enough to draw on her husbands' social security. Now I'm stuck helping her out.

Okay...it ain't THAT bad. I can deal with it. But now I have to sell my house, to find another house, with a 2 on 1, (that's two houses on one piece of property). Guess what she sold four years ago? YAP! A friggin 2 on 1! Only this time, the whole mortgage comes with it, when the other house was paid in full.


so for her wrinkly ass, i'm looking to see how much i can sell my house for, and apply that to a new, improved and bigger lot. just had a fellow over looking at the foundation; looking at the porch. i have a feeling it's gonna be in the range of $10,000 to repair a house I won't get to keep or live in. right now, I'm in an old "craftsman" style house. I'll probably end up in some salt-box of a house. something that has no character and is plastered over with stucco. The interior will be mundane, without natural beauty of wood-stained door ways, and window sills. something without the arches in the ceiling, that separate the dining room from the living room. something that has cement floors, and not that gorgeous red oak floors i have now.

okay. so my house, currently, isn't anything like that. but it could be. and when i sell it, it will never be that way for me. i just hope that when my aunt finally passes away, i'll be able to sell the new property, pack it up, and move into an even better neighborhood, into a craftsman style home. but by the time that happens, property out here, for a 500 sq ft home will cost nearly 1/2 a million.

everything has just gone limp. my hair is limp. my tits have gone limp. if i had a dick, it'd be limp too. my eyelids are limp, my tongue is limp. my mouth is limp. i think my ass is limp too.

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Date:2003-05-15 06:55
Mood: uncomfortable



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Date:2003-05-15 06:53

After all that...laterz

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Date:2003-05-15 06:44
Mood: stressed

the fun begins. a new user, and she can't stay away, no matter how little she has to say, she just can't stay away.

i guess i'm stressed. yesterday, i had the beginnings of a cold sore start, within a matter of 30 minutes. it was amazing. and now it's almost gone. that's still amazing to me. but i'm also grateful. for a moment there, i thought i was going to look hideous! now i won't scare anyone away at the office.

currently i'm working "the counter". and the workers are divided from the "public" by means of a glass partition. now this partition starts at the ceiling, and ends 3/4's of the way down. so there's a good 8 inches that is open. to most, the opening is at the waist line. i just LOVE it when people bend waaay over, and try to shove their head through it. so there they are, shoving their head through a hole...hummm...wonder if it's due to latent homosexuality...sticking their heads in places it shouldn't be, while in public.

of course in this day and age...(oh oh, i just felt a grey hair POING it way through my scalp), EVERYONE sticks there head in places it shouldn't be. er...i should say, many do.

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Date:2003-05-14 21:29
Mood: determined

Well, determined as i might feel, i don't think i'm getting very far. so besides the fact that the appearance of my journal is very pathetic, i will attempt, just moments later from my last entry, to say a little more.

this is my outlet. my way to express myself and my silly little thoughts of who i meet, who i see, and the very scary thought that it would be soooo easy to be a stalker. man! i need a hobby.

so there's this hottie at work. kinda wierd, but who cares. she's hot. i've spent most of my time ignoring her, even though she's made several attempts to say to me, "you're gay? how kool!" "ALRIGHT THEN. THANKS! it's kool to be gay...i don't know why i haven't realized that before! what's the matter with me?"

but today, i had the lovely experience to actually work side by side with her. strangest of all things...there was this energy. this silent, stealthful energy between us. ever sit or stand next to someone in silence and feel completely at ease? i thought i was in an old, established relationship with how comfortable it felt. SCARES me. i don't wanna like her, she's wierd!

oh yes, and after today, i shouldn't be surprised to see on my evaluation, "doesn't get along well with others, namely the BOSS." oh yeah. but hey, if they talk nasty to you, don't you deserve to talk back? i mean, disrespect begets disrespect, eh? so why should anyone be surprised?

okay, so:

doesn't get along well with others...
needs to spend more time reading...
eats paste...

yap. i used to love the taste of paste. hum...wierd deserves wierd...now where'd that hottie go??

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Date:2003-05-14 21:00

Wha't the hell? What did i get myself into?

Hell if I know what i'm doing. Maybe I'll learn.

An old goat, signing off...

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my journal